I don’t even need your love.

I don’t have all of the answers. In fact, I don’t have most of the answers, or even half of the answers. I maybe have like 14% of the answers to life. Or maybe even less than that. Probs.
But it seems to get even harder to know the answers when it feels like you’re getting mixed messages about life, you know? Like, when you’re listening to the radio and it seems like they’re saying two entirely different things within ten minutes of each other.
Like today. I got in the car and this nice little song that I’d never heard before came on. The lyrics were from God to us and it was talking about how we’re not alone, because He’s always there and will never leave us. Even when everyone else does. Because His love is the only love we need.
I accepted that pretty easily because, out of frustration and anger, I’ve recently decided that I don’t need anyone. I don’t even need anyone’s love or anyone’s concern or anything like that. Like, I had trust issues. I refused to share my heart with people for the longest time. This summer, I felt like God was working on me to be open and honest and to let people know who I am and all that stuff, because it’s not good to be alone. You know. Well, that happened. And I started to trust people. And I became completely reliant on others because I was tired of trying to do everything on my own. I wasn’t just struggling with life anymore; I was vulnerable, too. But then everyone who told me they would “always be there for me” all at once decided that they wouldn’t. And they aren’t. So now I’m struggling, I’m vulnerable, and I’m alone. So. I don’t need anyone, because if I ever need anyone again, they’ll just end up like everyone else. They’ll get me to be honest, then I’ll trust them, then I’ll be worse off than before.
I’m trying to word this carefully, because I’m not writing this to make people look bad. Because people aren’t mean to me. I guess it’s just that everyone’s an acquaintance now. Or something. Because I moved. I guess.
And it’s funny that I’d be the one to say I don’t need anyone. Because, medically speaking, about two years ago I got this condition. And, technically speaking, if it doesn’t go away, I won’t be able to live on my own, ever. So I will literally have to rely on someone else forever. I hate that! It makes me furious, in all honesty. I’d rather have this problem go away and live alone forever.
Anyway, the radio kept going, and this sir came on and talked about the “three hardest words” to say to someone. I thought it was going to say those cliche things Christians always talk about. “I forgive you,” or something. Then he started talking about, “I love you.” I rolled my eyes. I mean, I’m pretty good with those three words. I say them when I mean them and when I don’t mean it, I don’t say it. Whatever. I got this.
But then he just flipped the entire world upside down and said that there’s three words harder than that, and that’s, “I need you.”
Maybe it’s hard to say because it’s a lie. Why would I tell people that I need them? I can handle myself. I don’t even care enough anymore to need anyone.
Except I do. Very much so.
He went on to say that it’s okay to rely on someone. That God puts people in our lives and it’s okay to need them.
Sir, did you not just listen to this song that just came on a few seconds ago? No. I. Don’t. Need. Anyone.
But no. He continues his speech, saying it’s okay to be vulnerable. And that we should take the time to tell people in our lives that we do, in fact, need them.
I’ve been wrestling with this a lot lately, and I think, with those man’s words being said, I can at least somewhat get over myself. There’s plenty of scripture supporting the whole having-some-Christian-friends-as-back-up and I’ve written about it so many times. I know there’s truth in it. It’s okay to need someone. It’s okay to rely on people. In fact, it’s something God designed. Something I personally fail at. Because anymore, I’d rather be alone than admit my need. And that’s called fear of being let down again. Or maybe even just straight up pride.
Whatever it is, we need people. We do. Of course, if everyone in the world walked out on us, God would still be right by our side. Always, always. His promises go a lot further than anyone else’s ever could. And He never ever lets His promises fail on you. I’d promise you that, but you don’t need to take my word for it. Take His. Turn to Him next time you’re lonely, and you’ll find that He will break your loneliness and give you Himself. He will. Just seek Him.
And hey, maybe He lets you feel lonely sometimes so you’ll become desperate enough to go talk to Him. Maybe He lets you feel abandoned and hurt and let down by others so He can show you His perfect love in comparison. And from there, He’ll help you trust people again. And change you so that others can trust you. He’s got it. Just love Jesus. He’ll take it from there.

Update:
After writing this, I ended up watching a good Steven Furtick sermon called “We All Suck”, which was nice. Near the end of it, he talked about Galatians 6, one of my favorite chapters, and he mentioned how in verse 2, it says to “carry each other’s burdens”, but in verse 5 that “everyone should carry his own load”. 

Um, a little contradictory? Nope. It’s saying that you should help people with their burdens, but only God can help them with some things- those loads that you can’t help someone else carry. You know? So, yes, we need God’s love more than anything, and a lot of things are changed by Him alone. But there are those burdens that we should help others carry.
So, God’s love is really all you need, just like that song said. Except God uses other people to show you His love and carry some of those burdens. So, by needing people at times, you’re relying on God.
Just saying.

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